Onions & Leaks

What else could top a juicy cheeseburger but a nice slice of Bermuda Onion? What else would suffice to cover a steaming bowl of Chili but some diced Spanish Onion? With out the noble bulb parisians could only offers the world “French Soup”, Outback Steakhouse would have to serve a “Bloomin’ Turnip” and let’s not speak of what would become of perennial favorite the “Funion”. I bring this up because an important member of the Allium cepa genus is under attack, not by fungus or some plant clap, but by the White House!

A certain publication that has chosen this pungent flower as it’s masthead has found itself the latest target in “The War Against Terror”. The issue is over the paper’s frequent use of the presidential seal which oft times accompanies stories lampooning the Bush administration, including a spoof of W’s weekly radio address. Tenants of the executive mansion say that the use of the seal in these cases is inappropriate and degrading to the office, which of course has never looked better. The White House apparently having nothing better to do sent big kid Trent Duffy to tell the Onion to “Shut up, or else!”. To which the Onion responded, “Nana nana nana, you can’t make me!”.

I for one am glad to see the oval office finally focussing on the important issues. Fuck the war in Iraq, the economy, the environment, that shit’s not important. No. It’s about time that W concentrated on stopping people from making fun of him. I mean here he is, the leader of the free world and some guy’s picking on him right out in the open as if he had the right or something. If you can’t respect the man then respect the office, and if you can’t respect the office then you haven’t taken your pills.

The Onion should keep in mind that White House has an enormous arsenal to bring to bare against nay-sayers. They could assign them “Enemy Combatant” status and lock them up in Gitmo, or ignore their pleas for help when their homes are demolished in a storm, or expose their spouse’s secret identity. Yes the beat goes on and I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby is being prepped for the beating it seems. The case of Valerie Plame and the leaking of her name, rank and serial number to the “Press” is getting hot and heavy and Karl Rove and the boys are playing a first class game of “I didn’t know she was a spy ‘til you told me” in which each contestant tries to prove a greater level of ignorance (some thing the Bush crew has been training tirelessly for over the last five years) and put the blame on a lower ranked administration member. A truly skilled and ambitious player might even make Valerie Plame believe that she outed herself. Why not? They got everyone to believe that crap about why we had to go to war. Well, everyone but Plame and her husband Joseph Wilson who criticized Bush for essentially being a lying, war mongering, oil grubbing boob with his head up ass (of course I’m paraphrasing).

I look forward to seeing just how the Onion will cover the upcoming indictments and trials. I wonder, will they use language that the president will be able to understand when Dick Cheney reads it to him like a modern day version of the Three Little Pigs.

Speaking of pigs, it seems I’ve loitered here longer than is safe and must retreat back the sordid under belly of this land I love and wait until next time it’s safe to surface.

‘Til then, keep it in your pants.

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